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Hello, I'm Your Account Representative

Note from David Wilson

David Wilson, your buddy David Wilson
your buddy

Good day everyone, I'd like to thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules and hearing the exciting message I have for you all. You have questions about your enterprise computer solution; and I have the answers. Hello, I'm David Wilson, and I'm your technical account representative.

I don't sell software; I sell solutions that meet the ever-increasing demands of your enterprise. I'm your one-stop technical resource for suggestions, assessments and answers. By the time you know me well enough to call me 'Dave', typically under 2 minutes, you'll think of me as your protective big brother who has all the answers and never sweats under pressure. And, hey, I'm also pretty handy with a club if you need any golf advice.

In today's ever-evolving global market, real-time and adaptive solutions are essential in meeting the needs of your customers, and must provide a secure and scalable environment which tunes with your infrastructure, provides self-healing to the services it supports, and meets your corporate compliance regulations. In order to realize the full potential of your investment these solutions must also have one-click deployment, low maintenance overhead and have zero down-time performance. I can say that again if you'd like. I have it memorized and I rehearse it often so it rolls off my tongue like its improvisational industry knowledge. This implies, without any explicit verbiage, that I'm in touch with my customers, possess a deep understanding and knowledge of current computing trends and that I offer a product that fulfills this wish-list. It says, "You are in good hands, my friend. Rest easy, compadré."

I pride myself in knowing everything our brochures and other marketing media propaganda say about my product. I even know the key-points my competition boast and have prepared well-thought out counterpoints. I've cleverly worked out my competition's denials to my counterpoints, giving you all the ammunition you need to discredit their sales-pitches that are built on their foundation of lies. I am indeed your friend and I only have your best interests at heart. Also, I work on commission.

In my job, it's not enough to only know the solutions I pitch, and pitch against. That's a mistake made by many in my field. I also know key-terms which resonate well with my customers; such as, "security", "ITIL compliant", "tightly integrated", "full featured" and "cost effective", and a host of important sounding initials, such as, ROI and TCO. Hell, I even make them up sometimes. Who's ever going to question it? I sprinkle them into my conversations as often as possible. I like to say them with a smile; it shows off my $3,200 dental procedure, which whitened my teeth to the point that looking directly at them has caused several people a few hours of blindness.

I have many anecdotal jokes to allay your concerns and fears; "The two Microsoft engineers at target practice...", "How many Linux administrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?", "What's the difference between a blonde and a VAC3280?" Making light of serious questions is a great way of dismissing them without getting into any specifics and we're not here to talk about specifics, we're here to share visions, or more precisely, my vision. Add a wink or a flash of the ol' Wilson smile and you'll relax more than if you just got jacked-off by a Malaysian whore in an opium den.

How's our support? Without hesitation, I say reassuringly that our support is second-to-none. We offer 24/7 phone, e-mail and smoke-signal support. Ha ha - we don't really offer smoke-signal support, that was just a quick quip to let you know how flexible and reliable our support is. What I'll keep to myself is that by 24/7 I mean 24 days per month, 7 months per year, and, of course, the hours are actually 9-5, the 9-5 being Chennai, India time, where our support desk is based. This allows you a full 1-2 hours of overlap time, unless you're on the West coast, then you have none.

If you have any problems with our support, not that it's ever happened, you can call me anytime. My business, cell, home, cottage and time-share numbers are on my business card that I just handed out twice to everyone. I'll negotiate our internal corporate waters for you and get you your answers quickly. By 'quickly' I mean I'll ping you back within 72 hours, usually around lunch-time so I don't actually get in touch with you, or whenever I need to tell you some exciting and interesting news on a costly enhancement or upgrade.

What's that? Oh man, that's a propeller-head question! I chuckle dismissively at those types of questions thereby showing you that I am above trivialities such as making my product actually work. For that, I have Phil. He's my product guru and he can answer all your technical questions. I'll set your technical people up with Phil and have them iron out the details. I work best with managers who've lost their technical expertise right after dot-matrix printers went out of vogue. I'm technical in a "I carry a laptop and own a Smartphone" kind of way.

While I receive many comments on my professionalism and outstanding expertise, people often point out to me, "Dave, you don't look like someone who's in the computer racket", meaning that my well-muscled bod, breath-taking tan and chiseled good looks are the antithesis of the Information Technology look. I'm not your pasty-skinned computer nerd with acne at 30 and the constant smell of Coca-Cola on my breath! No siree. I'm a knowledgeable, seasoned technical resource who also just so happens to be well-toned, well-tanned and incredibly handsome. Let me tell you folks, you don't get this package by working under the fluorescents for 12 hours a day and playing silly computer games in your parent's basement until 3:00 in the morning. I spend 2-3 hours at the gym every other day and 45 minutes, minimum, on the in-between days, not including the 15 minutes I take in the tanning bed. I also spend 2 or 3 months out of the year in California with the wifey, or, if she's too tied up with whatever it is she does, a girlfriend or two.

You see, in this highly competitive computer business, it's not enough to just be outstandingly charming, witty, enviable and up to speed with current trends, you have to exude confidence and assertion. By exuding confidence I'll gain your confidence and you'll be more apt to buy in to my solution, which is of course whatever software I'm pitching to boost my paycheck. I find a fantastic tan, awe-inspiring body and an award-winning smile are the keys to gaining my customer's confidence. It also helps that I get $90 haircuts. Once I have your confidence I know how to keep it too – with a tight, binding, iron-clad contract.

I'm Dave Wilson, and I look forward to seeing you again on our next upgrade release. It's been a pleasure to have had this opportunity to talk with you, and I know I speak for everyone when I say it's been your honour talking with me.

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