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OK, porn. I've seen a few in my time. For this article, I'm going to stick with the kind of porn you could rent at BlockBusters, your ma & pa video store, or on the Spice/Vivid/Playboy/whatever channel because there's some crazy things out there and you can find it on film, but its not as easily accessible. So, I'm going to exclude the kind of films that involves jail-time if they're found in your home. Here's every porn movie I've ever seen:

  1. Credits (apparently they're all done on someone's Amiga)
  2. Plot build. Who cares? People don't watch porns for the storyline.

OK, the good part. Ready. Set. Go!

  1. Cunninglus
  2. Fellatio
  3. Intercourse
  4. "Money shot"

Repeat from scene 2 three or four more times then replay scene 1 and pretend they're the end credits.



Now, I know sometimes things are 'mixed up'. While repeating steps 2-6 there could be: another woman in the mix, another guy in the mix, another girl and no guy in the mix. There, that's the mindblowingly diverse spectrum of porn.

Getting back to the list, I'm certainly not boasting but there's nothing on that list that I haven't done. Be honest, you're like me. That's some pretty common stuff, highly enjoyable, but common just the same. You don't have to be a pro, a hardcore nympho or a pervert to have engaged in these activities. Rumour has it that even some adventurous Catholics have done these. They're the standards. By the way, if you're under 14 then shame on you for reading this far without your parents consent and know this, they too have done all of these. Many times.

So, we have a bunch of porn movies, the majority of porn actually, repeatly showing us on film what we all do or have done. Now mind you, they do the whole gamut per session, but still...c'mon. Its a movie dammit. Its purpose is to entertain! If porn ever left the sex industry it would end up making movies about people watching movies.

Reread steps 2-6. I'm betting that you've done better. Probably not the 'standards'.

So really, porn isn't as exciting as our real lives. Its kind of like Hollywood so why can't they add things like they do in real movies? Show me something I'll never-ever have and probably don't want anyways. Throw a midget into the scenario; maybe a clown with a mysterious past, get Gary Coleman and a space-alien in heat in there! Its a movie, dammit!

However, they don't so it stays dull; really no better than a movie about people watching a movie. Watching a movie is great - watching someone else watch a movie is a flat-out snore. Is it the faux-voyerism aspect of it all? Is it just seeing tits? Is it the elaborate sets? I have no clue.

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